Overwatch 2 Heroes’ Official Ages Sound Extremely Made Up

For a game like Overwatch 2, in which its story has been trickled out over dozens of disparate external media stories rather than in one, cohesive thing—you know, like, a video game campaign?—there are bound to be inconsistencies along the way. But lord, seeing the game’s 38 heroes suddenly get canonical birthdates and ages really just makes it apparent how weirdly incongruous these ages are with the timeline we know.

This new birth-chart fodder comes from the official Overwatch website, which was updated this week to give each hero a canonical birthday and age. Some of these make sense, like how many of the old-guard characters like Soldier: 76, Ana, and Reaper are in their late 50s and early 60s. The new kids on the block—like recent addition Illari being an 18-year-old sun-powered queen, or D.Va being a 21-year-old esports champion—probably check out too, because they’re mostly removed from the larger timeline of Overwatch. It’s when we start comparing more central characters’ canonical ages that things start to get murky.

Kiriko, one of the new support heroes introduced in Overwatch 2, is one of the most glaring examples of the math not mathing. When Blizzard first revealed Kiriko, it claimed she grew up with Genji and Hanzo, and even trained alongside them in the ways of the sword. However, now that all involved have official ages, things aren’t adding up. We’re told Genji and Hanzo are 37 and 40, respectively, while Kiriko is supposedly 21. On paper, I believe those ages because each of those heroes feels written to be those ages, it’s the pitting those numbers against the lore, art, and story we know that doesn’t click. Look at this illustration of the three training in Kiriko’s Origin Story trailer. You expect me to believe there are nearly 20 years of difference between these characters? Sure, Kiriko looks young and could reasonably be under 10 here, but you expect me to believe that Hanzo is pushing 30 in this image?

Attack of the Fanboy compiled some examples of Overwatch fans pointing out other oddities and inconsistencies. Consider Sojourn, who’s now listed as 47 years old. Her sister Valentine, introduced in the spin-off novel “Overwatch 2: Sojourn”, would have had to have been 14 years old when giving birth to Sojourn’s niece Bonnie. Which sure, isn’t impossible, but it does seem highly unlikely.

Personally, one of the biggest eyebrow-raising age questions of Overwatch is Pharah and Mercy, who became a canonical (possibly unrequited) pairing in the story when it was revealed Pharah is a lesbian during the game’s first Pride event. Mercy is 39, whereas Pharah is supposedly 34. Meanwhile, art of Pharah exists in Ana’s origin story that shows a very, very young Pharah standing with much of the original Overwatch crew; the gap between the two appears much larger than five years.

Honestly, with all of Overwatch’s narrative changes and shake-ups over the years, I get it. Trying to get this game’s story off the ground has been tumultuous enough that expecting it to be airtight and perfect in its timeline and lore is just nitpicking. But it is funny to look at all the numbers next to each other and realize a majority of Overwatch’s story is about vibes more than getting into the nitty-gritty of the timeline.

If you’re curious, here are everyone’s ages and birthdays:

Tank

• D.Va: June 22, (21)
• Doomfist: May 25, (47)
• Junker Queen: June 14, (31)
• Orisa: May 9, (1)
• Ramattra: March 29, (28)
• Reinhardt: June 26, (63)
• Roadhog: September 12, (50)
• Sigma: March 12, (64)
• Winston: June 6, (31)
• Wrecking Ball: October 15, (16)
• Zarya: December 4, (30)

Damage

• Ashe: October 1, (41)
• Bastion: ??? (32)
• Cassidy: July 31, (39)
• Echo: February 5, (14)
• Genji: October 28, (37)
• Hanzo: November 3, (40)
• Junkrat: February 29, (27)
• Mei: September 5, (33)
• Pharah: April 15, (34)
• Reaper: December 14, (60)
• Sojourn: January 12, (47)
• Soldier: 76: January 27, (58)
• Sombra: December 31, (32)
• Symettra: October 2, (30)
• Torbjorn: September 21, (59)
• Tracer: February 12, (28)
• Widowmaker: November 19, (35)

Support

• Ana: January 1, (62)
• Baptiste: March 12, (38)
• Brigitte: September 22, (25)
• Illari: December 21, (18)
• Kiriko: July 7, (21)
• Lifeweaver: April 28, (31)
• Lucio: March 20, (28)
• Mercy: May 13, (39)
• Moira: April 4, (50)
• Zenyatta: July 14, (33)

Moving forward, we should all make a pact to no longer ask for people’s birthsigns; now, we’ll just ask each other which Overwatch hero we share a birth month with. Unfortunately, my own answer of “Wrecking Ball, the intelligent hamster” doesn’t sound particularly cool.